Something for me

I am sitting in my nice comfortable room in my parents house, typing on my iPad, listening to Mumford and Sons on repeat. And all I can think about is how scary I find this world.

I was watching Star Wars episode 1 a few weeks ago... The one i thought was the best movie ever when i was 8. Apart from the slightly awkward acting in it and the infamous jar jar binks, i thought it was alright. But what struck me were the wise words of yoda, 'fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering'. This struck me a bit, but i eventually decided i disagreed with it. A few konths ago I was watching the dark night rises at the cinema, which basically said fear was a good thing. Again, I'm not convinced.

At this precise moment I am scared, my blog title shows that. It is no longer 'me @ cliff', it is 'me @'. I feel so stupid and selfish sometimes for feeling like this, but I also dont think I am alone in how I feel. In one sense I trust God totally in leading me, but in the other sense I am so scared that I will screw it up, and each day I wake up wondering what will happen when I get up. It's almost as if everyday life scares me a bit, and every bit of me hates to admit it. I want to be strong and I'm just not.

So Im half way through the Mumford and Sons album feeling sorry for myself, wondering what on earth I am doing, and missing my fiance like mad. I feel like a bit of a lightweight saying this is hard, but it is. I have such a cushy life in so many ways but I also feel like I need to be honest with myself. In many ways i feel like I need someone to kick me up the backside, but I am starting to realise that person has to be myself if I am going to make any real change. I also know that the direction I need to be kicked is towards God.

Maybe I am so scared that I am standing still, like I am gripping on to the side of the bridge with the bungee rope attached being absolutely pointless. I can see the fall, but I am too scared to jump. Maybe this is a big issue I need to get through.

I realise that this is probably more suited to a journal than a blog, but I dont think many people read this thing any way, and maybe someone can relate out there can relate to it. So sorry if you were expecting something a bit different. But what I want to say is mainly to myself... Fear will not cripple me.